Something Might Be Wrong...

My 13 year old self and I discuss music

2011-07-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

Hey Me, thought we could start this conversation on a more focussed and positive way. I was just left feeling that you were more disappointed in our life than you should be. Also it really bummed me out. So this time I think we should do this by theme, which will also be easier for our reader.

Readers?

I know what I said.

What the hell do you mean? What is ‘bummed out’? Have you got diarrhoea? Hehehe. So, what theme do we start on, oh great writer?

See? It’s that kind of shit that does me in. Give it up or you can just fuck off back into my subconscious, only being allowed out when I hear Laura Branigan songs.

Oh, get you! Who do you think you are? You’re not my Mum.

Blah blah. Jesus, I really was an obnoxious little feck. Why don’t we start with music? That’s a nice uncontroversial topic.

OK. Tell me – has Laura Branigan had any new albums out lately?

Er...before we challenge that one why don’t I tell you about how we listen to music now?

With your ears? Dur.

Yes, smart arse. I mean the storage for songs. You are still listening to music on tapes on your big white ‘ghetto blaster’ thing with the removable speakers, aren’t you?

Well, I did only get it for Christmas.

Yes. Well we have things called MP3s now. They are just computer files that you put on a player.

So, do they look like tapes? Records?

Neither. They are just computer files. The player is this tiny thing here (shows iPod).

And you have to have one of these for each album? It’s nice and shiny and all, but I can imagine they take up the same space as the tapes under my bed.

Incorrect. This little thing has loads of music on it. I’ve got thousands of songs on this. Look. (spools through Ipod)

Oh! Laura Branigan is on there! Put it on!

Jesus, Lisa, can you get past the Branigan thing? Just for a while?

OK. So, this holds loads of tapes on it. I like that. It’s better than a walkman. You can’t move when you’ve got one on or the tape goes all wonky. Why they called it ‘walkman’ is just ridiculous.

Well, I suppose it’s just as well. They stopped making walkman tape players last year. Anyway, you can buy these MP3s through the internet, which is kind of like...erm...the internet is...like a market on...no...it’s a thing with computers. You order the music and then they send it you through a phoneline to your computer and then you put it on the MP3 player.

Sounds more complicated than just going down the record shop in Droylsden.

Except with this you don’t have to leave the house, the music comes to you.

It does that when I turn on the radio.

Yes, but this is music you really want to listen to!

I can get that when I tape the charts on Sunday.

Oh. I thought you’d be way more impressed. Like last week I downloaded...

Downloaded?

Yes, erm...ordered all of the tracks from Now 8 – it was brilliant. Actually maybe that’s why you’re here.

I already HAVE Now 8. Do you have to pay for things if you already have them?

Yes.

Sucker.

Yes.

But the songs cost less though don’t they? You’re not getting a record or anything, just some computer thing.

You’d think so...

Oh.

Let’s not talk about that anymore. What about you? What would you like to ask about?

Is Madonna still around?

She certainly is. She’s 53 now, but she still looks amazing. Well...as long as you don’t look at her old lady claw hands.

And Laura Brannigan?

Oh. She died about 7 years ago. As amazing as the Self Control album was she never really took off again afterwards in England.

Dead? That’s...so...sad...But you’re still listening to her?

Damn straight! I even called my computer ‘Gloria’ in her honour.

Michael Jackson?

Shit. Can we skip him? It will only plunge you into self pity and tearful anger.

No way! Spit it out!

OK. So, after Thriller he only really had two more albums, then everything after that was just a ‘best of’ and ‘Greatest Hits’ compilation thing. Actually he didn’t really produce very much new until right near his...er...death.

DEAD! No! Not Michael! But he is so misunderstood! I was going to be his friend and then help him to stop being so lonely and then he would fall in love with me...

I can definitively say that this was the least possible outcome we ever imagined. That and when we went through that phase of wanting to be an Astronaut. Michael was accused of a lot of really bad things and even went to court a couple of times about them. The public pretty much turned against him after the baby dangling incident.

Baby dangling? What bad things?

The worst kind of bad things and he held his baby over a balcony rail in Berlin. People thought he was putting the kid in danger. He was well known as being a bit of a looper by that point though. Thing is, when he died just before a whole string of planned concerts, everyone forgot everything he was accused of. It was like he suddenly became Saint Michael. I was upset that I was never going to see him, but it was the part of me that’s you which was upset. You know, the bit of me that still listened to Off The Wall. At the worst part it was shameful to admit you liked his music at all.

*sniff*

Don’t start that.

Well, you just told me that two of my favourite singers are dead and I’m supposed to just be all, ‘oooh, I don’t care!’ well I do care! You might be all old and dried up and don’t cry and stuff, but I’m in touch with my feelings!

Shhh now or I’ll not tell you any of the good stuff.

Oh! We’ve been to see A-Ha in concert?

Sorry, I missed the ticket sales and they sold out really quickly.

Promise me we’ll go and see them next time they do a concert?

OK. But it might not happen. They said it was their last tour.

FUCK! You missed the last concert? Today could not get worse! Madonna has old lady hands, Laura Branigan is dead, Michael Jackson is accused of being a perv and is dead and YOU didn’t go and see A-Ha. Last time you threatened me with being sent back into your subconscious. Maybe next time I won’t bother coming out.

(13 year old self goes quiet)

Meet my 13 Year Old Self.

2011-06-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

Hey you. Yeah, you. I mean me. We’ve got some talking to do.

Really? OK. Let me just put my latte down. What can I do for you?

You can tell me the truth, that’s what. We had such spectacular plans and I need to know whether we did them all. Did we?

I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific, it has been 25 years after all.

25? We still look good though, right? I mean, you didn’t let us get fat and wrinkly did you?

Well...

Aw shit! We’re fat? Wrinkled? *gulp* both?

Jesus, Me, there’s worse things to be. As it happens we were fat but now we’re back to a normal-ish size. As for wrinkles, I do what I can but I really don’t fancy Botox.

Bollox? You have to have a sex change? Wha?

No! Botox is this poison that is injected into the forehead to paralyse the muscles up there. It gives a ‘smoothed out’ appearance, but you look startled and lose the ability to express emotion facially.

Injected? Ew! Or have they invented some way of doing it without needles. If they have, then do it.

No, it’s still a regular needle and why would you suggest I inject poison into our face? Anyway we’ve still got that huge forehead so I just fix my hair so it doesn’t show. Anyway, don’t you want to know more important things about our life now? You started this conversation. I thought you had something to say.

Oh. OH! Yeah. Did we get married?

Really? 25 years and the most important thing you can think of to ask me is if we got married. Who are you? In 1986 we didn’t even want to get married. You disappoint me, Lisa.

Shutupandtellme.

Yes. We are married.

Lisa Jane Thompson! Get in!

Taylor? Oh, jesus. You mean Darren Thompson, don’t you? Our name is not Taylor.

Double barrelled? H___-Thompson? Thompson – H___?

Neither.

...

We did not marry Darren Thompson. Actually, Johnny still sees him. He lives next door to Jophn, so he sees him most days. Darren is married and has a son. Darren is also...dum dum der! BALD. Yes, his perfect, huge, blonde flick has marched so far backwards it is now his ear hair.

Hell no!

Actually, as much as you thought it was forever, you only went out with him for a couple of weeks.

Can you shut up now for a while. Think I need to think about this for a bit. I can’t believe...

(13 year old Me puts on Open Top Cars and Girls in T-Shirts tape, queued up to REO Speedwagon’s ‘I Can’t Fight This Feeling’. 13 year old me goes very quiet for a short while, muttering the words to the song. She then proceeds to sing the chorus at ear-splitting volume while her eyes fill with tears. I leave her to have her moment then get bored of Me.)

Right. Shut up now. You’re not married to Darren, calm down. You are married to someone even better.

Magne Furuholmen? We married Mags?

Er...no.

Jesus. Do you want to make me depressed?

You’re not depressed. You’re just upset. Depression is much worse. There are so many worse things that would happen, like when mu... Nothing. Anyway. He’s called Pete and he does have lovely curly blond-ish hair. He isn’t going bald either – he’s made the decision. You have a double barrelled name – Lisa H___-C______. Good, eh?

It’s alright. Actually it sounds like a name of a famous...are we a famous actress? Singer?

Let’s not get into that right now.

But I want to know now!

And that is tough. We’ll get to what I do soon enough.

Alright. (sniffs) So, we live in a big house where? Mallorca? Hollywood?

We live in Manchester.

YOU ARE JOKING! If there was one thing we wanted it was to leave this awful country and especially this city. You gave up on that so easily?

It isn’t giving up! Look, we lived in other places. We went to Wolverhampton University and lived there and in Valencia and Lanzarote...

And why are we still not in one of those places? Preferably not Wolverhampton though – couldn’t you think of anywhere more exotic to go to University?

It...didn’t work out. And Wolves was the bollocks. We went there because it was one of the few places that offered Spanish and Russian.

We speak Russian?

You had to ask about that one, didn’t you? You couldn’t have said ‘Oh! We speak Spanish!’ No. We failed miserably at Russian, but we do speak Spanish fluently. Russian was just too bizarre.

What about the acting?

Really? You want to talk about that now? OK, no. We are not a famous actress or singer. We did a theatre studies A-Level and then watched all of the normal kids around us turn into self obsessed arseholes after getting bit parts in the Bill. We didn’t want to be like that, so we gave it up.

So, what are we?

A teacher.

Now I know you’re kidding. School is shite, so I can’t imagine we’d choose to stay there any longer than we have to.

It was a surprise to me too. We are good though, although...

Another kick in the invisible balls?

We have just taken a year off. We are writing now.

That could work for me. So, how many books have we published?

...

None? What have you been doing?

Well, right now I’m writing a conversation between now me and me from 25 years ago. It is not going as well as I might have hoped...

Yeah, but who is going to want to read that?

Good question. I’ll post it on the internet and see.

What’s the internet?

Something's Coming...

2011-06-28T03:56:00.000-07:00

Yep.

On the way back from Kiev I started getting nervous on the plane. This is not like me. I thought about how 13 year old me would be disappointed in my sudden fear. What had caused it? Who knows. Then I started ruminating (quietly, I was on a plane) about all of the things 13 year old me would be disappointed in about my life today.

This blog will soon become the home to those very difficult conversations. I'll change names to protect some people who really don't deserve me maligning their receding hairlines on the internet, but otherwise it will be a true representation of those conversations.

Writing...

2011-03-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

In the last 2 months I have submitted 5 stories to 4 places.

2 (Call Me Sue and BFI) to McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Paperclip to Mslexia, Creeper to Bad Languagae Manchester and finally another story to the Brizzle Prize. I don't mention the name of that one, as all stories should be anonymous.

So, why the sudden decision?

Good question.

I am taking a year out, rather late in my life, to follow my bliss.

I think I will be posting here more often as I document my attempts.

Just a reminder that I still exist...

2011-01-23T11:23:00.001-08:00

I had to get rid of this post as I hope for it to be an illustration from my childrens' book.

Posted via email from Rocketman's posterous

Fog City Diner

2010-08-06T00:00:00.001-07:00

Fans of Mike Myers may know this place from 'So I married an axe murderer'. I just know it is a great restaurant with a good atmosphere and lovely food. Sat on Embarcadero, this old style diner is really classy inside and does magic stuff like seafood cioppino (seafood stew with crab, clams, mussels, squid and white fish) and a brown cow (root beer float). Don't ask for a hot towel for your messy hands as this may lead gthe waitress to drop plates and get grumpy. In my personal experience, anyways.

Something Might Be Wrong...

My 13 year old self and I discuss music

Meet my 13 Year Old Self.

Something's Coming...

Writing...

Just a reminder that I still exist...

Fog City Diner

Untitled

Guess where we are now?

Our hotel...

Alioto's restaurant, Fisherman's Wharf

Happy Birthday Jason

Should have posted first!

Get Yo' Geek On...

Zoltar Speaks...

Breakfast in North Beach

An Anchored Sleep.

Dining Companions part six

Some people on the way...

Nevada

Utah

Dining Companions part four

Dining Companions part three.

Dining Companipons part two.

Dining companions part one.

Gratuitous Amish Photo.

Leaving Chicago.

Goodbye Chicago

Chicago Offers

Chicago!

We're off!

A little 'Hello'

Secret Bruxelles, part 1

Secret Rome, Part 1

Secret Manchester part 2

Secret Manchester part 1