Hey Me, thought we could start this conversation on a more focussed and positive way. I was just left feeling that you were more disappointed in our life than you should be. Also it really bummed me out. So this time I think we should do this by theme, which will also be easier for our reader.
Readers?
I know what I said.
What the hell do you mean? What is ‘bummed out’? Have you got diarrhoea? Hehehe. So, what theme do we start on, oh great writer?
See? It’s that kind of shit that does me in. Give it up or you can just fuck off back into my subconscious, only being allowed out when I hear Laura Branigan songs.
Oh, get you! Who do you think you are? You’re not my Mum.
Blah blah. Jesus, I really was an obnoxious little feck. Why don’t we start with music? That’s a nice uncontroversial topic.
OK. Tell me – has Laura Branigan had any new albums out lately?
Er...before we challenge that one why don’t I tell you about how we listen to music now?
With your ears? Dur.
Yes, smart arse. I mean the storage for songs. You are still listening to music on tapes on your big white ‘ghetto blaster’ thing with the removable speakers, aren’t you?
Well, I did only get it for Christmas.
Yes. Well we have things called MP3s now. They are just computer files that you put on a player.
So, do they look like tapes? Records?
Neither. They are just computer files. The player is this tiny thing here (shows iPod).
And you have to have one of these for each album? It’s nice and shiny and all, but I can imagine they take up the same space as the tapes under my bed.
Incorrect. This little thing has loads of music on it. I’ve got thousands of songs on this. Look. (spools through Ipod)
Oh! Laura Branigan is on there! Put it on!
Jesus, Lisa, can you get past the Branigan thing? Just for a while?
OK. So, this holds loads of tapes on it. I like that. It’s better than a walkman. You can’t move when you’ve got one on or the tape goes all wonky. Why they called it ‘walkman’ is just ridiculous.
Well, I suppose it’s just as well. They stopped making walkman tape players last year. Anyway, you can buy these MP3s through the internet, which is kind of like...erm...the internet is...like a market on...no...it’s a thing with computers. You order the music and then they send it you through a phoneline to your computer and then you put it on the MP3 player.
Sounds more complicated than just going down the record shop in Droylsden.
Except with this you don’t have to leave the house, the music comes to you.
It does that when I turn on the radio.
Yes, but this is music you really want to listen to!
I can get that when I tape the charts on Sunday.
Oh. I thought you’d be way more impressed. Like last week I downloaded...
Downloaded?
Yes, erm...ordered all of the tracks from Now 8 – it was brilliant. Actually maybe that’s why you’re here.
I already HAVE Now 8. Do you have to pay for things if you already have them?
Yes.
Sucker.
Yes.
But the songs cost less though don’t they? You’re not getting a record or anything, just some computer thing.
You’d think so...
Oh.
Let’s not talk about that anymore. What about you? What would you like to ask about?
Is Madonna still around?
She certainly is. She’s 53 now, but she still looks amazing. Well...as long as you don’t look at her old lady claw hands.
And Laura Brannigan?
Oh. She died about 7 years ago. As amazing as the Self Control album was she never really took off again afterwards in England.
Dead? That’s...so...sad...But you’re still listening to her?
Damn straight! I even called my computer ‘Gloria’ in her honour.
Michael Jackson?
Shit. Can we skip him? It will only plunge you into self pity and tearful anger.
No way! Spit it out!
OK. So, after Thriller he only really had two more albums, then everything after that was just a ‘best of’ and ‘Greatest Hits’ compilation thing. Actually he didn’t really produce very much new until right near his...er...death.
DEAD! No! Not Michael! But he is so misunderstood! I was going to be his friend and then help him to stop being so lonely and then he would fall in love with me...
I can definitively say that this was the least possible outcome we ever imagined. That and when we went through that phase of wanting to be an Astronaut. Michael was accused of a lot of really bad things and even went to court a couple of times about them. The public pretty much turned against him after the baby dangling incident.
Baby dangling? What bad things?
The worst kind of bad things and he held his baby over a balcony rail in Berlin. People thought he was putting the kid in danger. He was well known as being a bit of a looper by that point though. Thing is, when he died just before a whole string of planned concerts, everyone forgot everything he was accused of. It was like he suddenly became Saint Michael. I was upset that I was never going to see him, but it was the part of me that’s you which was upset. You know, the bit of me that still listened to Off The Wall. At the worst part it was shameful to admit you liked his music at all.
*sniff*
Don’t start that.
Well, you just told me that two of my favourite singers are dead and I’m supposed to just be all, ‘oooh, I don’t care!’ well I do care! You might be all old and dried up and don’t cry and stuff, but I’m in touch with my feelings!
Shhh now or I’ll not tell you any of the good stuff.
Oh! We’ve been to see A-Ha in concert?
Sorry, I missed the ticket sales and they sold out really quickly.
Promise me we’ll go and see them next time they do a concert?
OK. But it might not happen. They said it was their last tour.
FUCK! You missed the last concert? Today could not get worse! Madonna has old lady hands, Laura Branigan is dead, Michael Jackson is accused of being a perv and is dead and YOU didn’t go and see A-Ha. Last time you threatened me with being sent back into your subconscious. Maybe next time I won’t bother coming out.
(13 year old self goes quiet)
